Ugh, I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through and continue to go through the pains of these kinds of abuses, and thank you for being open about this. It is so easy to internalize messages like these from abusers — especially if the internalization process began in childhood and continues to be reinforced throughout adulthood. I hope that the parts of you who stay alive for your children also understand that your ex-wife is abusive and that you do not (and did not) deserve any of the things she’s put you through. Narcissists have used my mental health against me many times in many ways, and I did indeed internalize their views as evidence of my inherent brokenness and worthlessness. These abuses hurt deeply, and it takes a lot of work to get through their impact. Medication can help but is not enough on its own; I’ve learned that lesson the hard way as well. I recommend that you check out Pete Walker’s work on CPTSD — it helped me understand so much about my wounds and realize that what I’ve labeled as depression and anxiety are symptoms of traumatic experiences that have not been healed. Here’s a link to the first article I found by him; it was an epiphany in my healing process, and I hope it is helpful for you as well.