I think it’s really interesting to use utility as a rhetorical fulcrum for discussing gender, and find it especially intriguing to frame emotionality in this way. I agree that emotionality is not selective for men who engage in behaviors that perhaps map onto “hunting” behaviors from our evolutionary past, and that our species is oriented toward protecting feminine emotionality. The issue here, though, at least as I see it, first regards a conceptual distinction between feeling and emotion, and how socialization prevents men from being able to express emotion without social consequences. Feelings are personal, inward experiences that are based in the perception of having been affected, and emotions are expressions of feeling. Expressing feelings with emotions is healthy and important for the physical and mental health of all humans, regardless of gender. The “emotional” parts of our brains are ancient, and so it is a basic need of ours to emote. Example: sometimes babies are born without anything other than a brainstem (the most ancient part of the brain that deals with autonomic processes like breathing, heart rate, etc.), and studies have shown that these babies — despite having nothing other than the most basic “mental machinery” — express disgust (frown, brow furrow) in response to bitter tastes, and express pleasure (smiles) in response to sweet tastes. The point here is that emoting feelings is basic human need, and the danger comes from learning that it is a sign of weakness to emote. Men are socialized into this position, and while I agree that soldiers and physical laborers would not thrive by expressing emotionality, I think that learning to suppress these experiences does a lot of damage to individuals, communities, and societies. One example that comes to mind in this regard is the current prevalence of suicide and PTSD among military veterans who come back from Iraq. This is in my view an invisible epidemic because it is hard for our society to consider that men do indeed have feelings, and are suffering because of not being able to process, understand, or express them without either suffering social consequences (“Sissy!”) or feeling weak. Courage, for example, is not the elimination of fear; it is acting despite fear. If more men realized this I think we’d be better off as a species, and I hope that someday we get to see this happen.

It’s been great engaging with you about these ideas. Thank you for your time, attention, and energy. If you haven’t heard of or read it already, I highly recommend that you check out the book Iron John: A Book About Men by Robert Bly. He is a men’s rights advocate (and brilliant poet) whose approach involves addressing the numerous cultural losses men have suffered in recent times, and the impact grief has on men. His aim is to help men heal by teaching them how to grieve, and showing how our species needs to have rituals in place in order to keep us healthy. Such a fascinating area of inquiry!